Bury Your Undead
by cotederpablo
Summary: When Tony's car blows up at the start of Season 5, the rest of the team grieve his loss. Here's a little look inside the minds of NCIS's girls. How do they deal with the loss? At the request of a reader, I have added another chapter. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Based heavily on "Bury Your Dead" (Season 5, episode 1). It sees inside the heads of NCIS's best girls. R&R!**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN NCIS BUT I LOVE IT!**

There was clicking and beeping and talking all blurring together inside Jenny Shepard's head. She barked out commands as she adjusted her headset. Images were flashing on the screen. She needed to make the right decision before Tony could be harmed. She now knew that him seeing Jeanne so NCIS could get more information on La Grenouille had been a mistake and she needed to fix it. But time was up, and Jenny only realised that when she saw the explosion. Tony's car had been blown up and there was no way he could have survived.

"Tony," the single word escaped Ziva David's lips. Jenny looked at her. She had never seen Ziva so devastated, and Ziva had never felt so devastated. It took all of her strength to restrain her emotions. How could it be that Tony DiNozzo, her partner and friend, one of the few people in this world that Ziva genuinely cared about, was gone? She knew everyone could see the worry and deep sadness in her brown eyes, but she didn't care. All she wanted was to hear Tony's husky but somehow smooth voice, see his warm inviting eyes looking into hers as he flashed his trademark irresistible smile, feel his strong touch and smell his distinct odour of deodorant and aftershave. She had not always loved all of these things, but she longed for them now more than anything. _Please, just bring him back. _

Abby would not believe it, could not believe it. Tony was NOT dead, she could feel it. She trusted Gibbs and the team, but when something like this came up, science was her only friend. No matter how many people lost hope, she would remain faithful to Tony. She loved Tony like she loved everyone: in her own special way, different for each person. He was as alive as that love until Ducky said otherwise, and that was that.

_I think that look is even worse than the one earlier, _thought Jenny, once again looking at poor Ziva's face. _She should not be here. Losing a partner is one of the worst things that can happen in this business. _But Jenny knew all too well that Gibbs would not allow her to leave and even if he did, she wouldn't go. She admired Ziva for her determination and strong will.  
Glancing at the burnt, ash-covered car, she winced at the body form sitting in the driver's seat. The team were trying to be optimistic, except for Ziva. She had already accepted the fact that he was dead and was trying to move on. She was trying to suppress it, like her Mossad training had taught her, but this time it was different. The pain in her eyes had turned to longing. She wanted nothing more than for Tony to be back here, holding her and telling her everything would be alright. She knew, she had been there.

_He's gone, Ziva, accept it, he's gone and he's not coming back. _ Ziva repeated this in her head, but it only wanted to make her cry. She knew she had to accept his death and move on. Hoping and praying he's alive and then finding out otherwise could be more crushing than the first time. Ziva knew this from experience. She couldn't confide in anyone, she knew she had to cope with this alone, her own twisted way. But somewhere deep inside of her, so deep that she didn't even realise it was there, there was a little voice that was telling her to just keep hoping and maybe you'll be lucky.

_Later that day..._

"Hey, my car blew up this morning. Was that you?"

It couldn't be, could it? When Ziva heard Tony's voice she assumed it was her mind playing tricks on her, but it wasn't. She saw his face, his smile, heard his voice, and judging by the look on everyone else's faces, they could all see him too. Suddenly, she felt the overwhelming desire to hug him, but Abby beat her to it. She just stood there and smiled, as per usual. Nothing had changed but maybe, just maybe, Ziva wanted it to.


	2. Chapter 2

"You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?"

Ziva didn't quite know what to say to Tony. She had lied to loved ones, more than once. Her family: definitely. Her friends: regretfully but definitely. But Tony had loved Jeanne differently. Had Ziva lied to someone she loved like that? Or better yet, had she ever loved someone like that? Him. Did she love _him _like that? No, no, no, she couldn't think about that. She had to focus on her job. That was the most important thing, for now, anyway.

She felt so sorry for Tony, not in a pathetic way, in a way that only told her she didn't want him to be hurt. She cared about his feelings. And she knew, even though he would never admit it to her, that he was crushed by her leaving. But what he needed was an answer, one that he could relate to.

"Yes," she answered him.

"Did they ever forgive you?"

She was too good at lying for them to find out about it.

_I have lied. I have, in a way, lied to him. But that doesn't mean I love him. Does it? No, it doesn't. It can't, no, mustn't. _

But she was unclear about one thing: did faking English mistakes so he would pay attention to her defined as lying, or just wrong?

_24 hours earlier..._

_Beep, beep, beep. _

Ziva watched the explosion over and over, in freeze frames, as McGee examined them closely. Seeing him die once was one of the most horrible things she could ever wish upon herself, investigating the crime scene was even worse. But having to watch him explode into pieces so many times...it was killing her.

"Must you keep doing that, McGee?" it took a lot of restraint to keep her voice calm.

"I'm just checking something Gibbs said," he replied, not taking his eyes off of the plasma screen.

_Typical, _Ziva thought. _Why can't people give up? I hate the thought as much as anyone else, but Tony is dead and there is nothing we can do about it._

"He wouldn't have carried it with him, you know?" McGee continued. "His shield and ID, not if he was undercover. He would have stashed it in the car, maybe under the seat. Just because we found his ID, doesn't mean it's Tony.

Ziva's slender hands framed her face as her deep brown eyes, now glistening with unshed tears, stared longingly at Tony's desk. But there was no hope. "His car, his ID, his weapon, both his cell phones, McGee," she told him, also not taking her eyes off what she was looking at. Maybe if she looked at it hard enough, he would come back.

_Present time..._

"Did they ever forgive you?

"They never found out," Ziva said to him, being completely honest. And, if she was lucky, he never would. She couldn't help him, but she could be there when he needed her. At that moment, Ziva made a promise to herself: to let Tony come to her. That was the only way to settle things when it came to them.

_Later that day..._

Ziva watched the letter burn in the fire place. She recognised the crimped pattern around the edge of the letter. It was the one Jeanne had written him after she found out his real identity.

_He doesn't want her anymore..._

Tony had made his choice.


End file.
